"Silence is no certain token That no secret grief is there:
Sorrow which is never spoken Is the heaviest load to bear."

If you are a woman,or know a woman
you should learn what to say..and not to say - about miscarriage!

Since I miscarried, on the 5th of September 1999
I have naturally developed insights into some of the thoughts/feelings that parents suffer after such a loss. Often the pain of both parents is added to or sharpened because of thoughtless comments from others..often wellmeaning..
Before I lost our precious baby i also had no idea what to say to anyone in the situation..nervous in case i said the wrong thing id dredge helplessly through my mind for some platitude
Mumble something and change the subject,terrified in case they 'started crying or something!'
Since our loss Ive actually avoided telling people ( many people i know have no idea i was even pregnant let alone suffered a loss....
Women on the internet (on pregnancy loss message boards and other such help forums) have commented how miscarriage is the silent suffering , the secret problem....
Statistics tell us one in four pregnancies will end in miscarriage...most people you know will have had at least one...especially if they have two or three children...
Yet many of us never know of our friends and aquaintances suffering..or sometimes we find out years later when the sharp edge of pain is gone and the person is able to deal with "accidental hurt" from those thoughtless comments...

This shroud of secrecy,although a protective shield also adds to the problem
people just dont know how to react..what to say or do...
Its not until You or a close friend ofr family member miscarries that it begins to become apparent how common the tradgedy is. That in its self can create another problem for those grieving... just because the problem is common makes it no less painful!

Since I miscarried,close friends have gently probed to find out how i feel...asked how to act..what to say..or not to say!
After my first crushing pain and grief I desperately wanted to do something to help others in the situation I found it hard to talk about at first but feel i can now..
I see education about the grief associated with miscarriage to be the major step.
I guess the internet is the quickest and easiest way to start.. i hope to link to as many sites as possible and get people visiting my site..all kinds of people.
But i am drifting from the point!!!!

How Do they FEEL?
A baby lost through miscarriage was still a part of its parents life as are any children born into the family.
The loss is Traumatic and many people simply do not understand.Sadly,as i found,this includes many health care workers . To doctors nurses,midwifes who see this kind of thing 'all the time'it can be mundane..they can be indifferent..using phrases like 'its only a miscarriage' 'its natural' and so on.

Parents remember their lost babies,many commemorate the date of the loss.
One of the hardest things to deal with(on top of the grief) is people not thinking before they speak. It is easy to fall back on cliches in these difficult situations...
I hope that maybe by creating this "what to say and not to say:" page i can help some others. Some to learn what to say to friends in need and indirectly to save someone from hearing some of those thoughtless hurtful phrases....
Miscarriage has been termed the 'hidden Grief' "the silent pain' and so on
Why? because many parents would rather internalise their sorrow than face the often well meaning but still hurtful comments
Saying "it was for the best"for instance does not comfort most..
. the best would have been a successful pregnancy and a live baby!

Please continue....
What to say
What NOT to say!
What helps?(for parents AND their friends/family)
Help!Ive miscarried i feel awful because...

NEW!!!! Find or Become an Pregnancy Loss Email support Pal!
(Talk with someone who understands!!!!)

WHY? Some causes of miscarriage

'Floor plan' of the East Wing;

Room 1

What Not
to say!'
Room 3



Room 9

Room 11


'East wing'

Room 2

How does
it feel?'
Room 4

What to
Room 6

Causes of
Room 8

Submit a
Room 10

Room 12

East wing
The above floor plan of the 'East wing will make it easier to find your way around. (You are currently in ROOM 2.)
For first time visitors with no experience of miscarriage;Welcome and thank you for visiting.I urge you to please start with ROOM 1!
Also please take a look at ROOM 2(you are here)which considers how the parents are feeling..
If you have had a miscarriage and are looking for specific help/information .. Firstly i am sorry for your loss, you could try ROOM 3 which suggests a few things to do which help with the grieving process.
If you are feeling things are hard to cope with..maybe ROOM 5 which lets you know you are not alone with your emotions and sometimes extreme feelings after a loss.
Naturally there is always the question 'Why?'.Often this simply cannot be answered but in ROOM 6 there are listed some causes of miscarriage.
ROOM 7and ROOM 9 are 'public' memorial rooms where parents have left touching tributes to their own babies.You can view these and if you wish to leave one of your own ..go to ROOM 8to submit a memorial using the blank form there.
ROOM 10 is my personal tribute to our 'Sweetpea',story and memorial.
ROOM 11 is the links library - listing helpful links to other memorial sites and miscarriage help information resources.
ROOM 12 Is a special link page for people who kindly use my banner and link to 'East wing..to display their banner ( or have their site listed) Your site does not have to deal with miscarriage related topics to be listed here.