What not to say to someone who has miscarried

Ive sat for some time trying to decide how to start/lay out this page!
and it came to me that if youve never had a miscarriage it is so hard to understand
again and again we hear "oh but it was only the size of a bean" or perhaps"it wasnt really a BABY! " and so on..
So maybe this will help..

Imagine
that one day a beautiful fairy appears and promises you something wonderful and magical
this is the positive pregnancy test
She gives you a special tiny seed and a little pot. "Plant your seed and care for it" she instructs
"and in time " she promises..."it will grow into what you desire!" and she disapears!
Let us assume that you desire a money tree! This is the seed for a money tree!
Imagine ~!You are so excited! You plant the seed and tend it and water it
maybe you talk to it,feed it,love it!
Every day you check to see if it has grown..then one day.. A tiny plantlet breaks through the soil! A miracle! IT has two tiny leaves (and no money)
but it is a money tree! You imagine what it will look like! Tall and strong and heavy with LOTS AND LOTS of money!
Who knows how long you have this fragile plant..maybe a day , a week, a month, six months, nine months..
not only have you imagined what it will be like...you have spent the money!
in the same way,from conception,parents imagine their children, name them, plan their futures!
Then one day you go to tend your plant...and it is dead.
this is the miscarriage
Withered and shriveled. All hope is gone. you are so sad, disapointed,letdown,heartbroken
What a shock!
Maybe you blame yourself..or you look for someone or something else to blame..
Then someone looks over your shoulder and laughs! 'That wasnt really a money tree!' they mock
'its just a little weed!there was probably something wrong with it!'

What NOT to say!!!
I was in the process of miscarrying..bleeding ..trying not to cry..having seen our dead baby on the ultrasound...
a senior midwife breezed into the room and chirped
"Ah yes! Well, nature takes care of her mistakes!!!"
this has remained THE most shocking and painful things anyone has said to me
concerning the loss. The day before, oblivious to any problem we had been excitedly planning our babys future
we loved it, anticipated it,were excited and thrilled. We imagined our baby, thought up names..looked forward to it.
Now someone was labelling our dead loved one A MISTAKE!

Never say......

"IMG SRC="celticgoldbut.jpg""You can always have another!" (they want this baby! also..maybe they cant have another...)Also this comment is often very offhand...
2. "Now you have angel looking after you" (they didnt want an angel-they want their BABY back!)
3."its for the best" (How?The best is a successful healthy pregnancy!)
4."At least you didnt know your baby!"(whether the baby was held in the parents arms or their minds, it was REAL!)
5."There must have been something wrong" (with me? why?)
6." Did you do something you werent supposed to do?"(inflicts guilt/how could i have done this to my baby!?)
7."Have you ever thought of NOT having children!?"(well yes probably!I know i might never be a parent....)
8."Be grateful for the children you have!"(I am but I still need to mourn the one i have lost!)
9."It wont happen again"(I never thought it could happen..and to some unlucky people it does happen again!)
10.""Be brave,dont cry"(why not!!!?)
11."Get on with your life,this isnt the end of the world!"(right now it IS)
12."You should be over it be now!"( why!?This is not something you just 'get over')
13."Youre young, you'll get over it" (what does age have to do with pain!?)
14."Time will heal" (Time will make the pain easier to bear yes,but that is no help at the moment...)
15."At least it wasnt older" (it still matters and it still HURTS!)
(In general best not to start with "at least"..it can sound as though you are trying to brush off the tragedy.)

16."It was Gods will"
..."God wanted him/her with him"
..."God needed another flower in his garden" AND so on! In my opinion, steer well clear of Religion. It is very personal and phrases like these should never be trotted out to anyone..
For one thing the person may have very different religious view to you (no matter how 'right' yours are!)
Also I think coming to terms with a loss in this manner is something a person will naturally do themselves if they are so inclined - when and if theya re ready.
Such comments can also have the effect of making a parent very angry and bitter with God;which may block a possible source of comfort.
A few days after my own loss a lady told me
"It was Gods will,so there is nothing you can do about it stop sulking and get over it
I remember the overwhelming emotions which filled me, I was shaking as i went through shock,disbelief, hurt and finally fury!
i told her"NEVER say anything like that to ANYONE in my situation again!"
She was very upset and could not understand what she had said wrong....

<FONT SIZE="+2">"This Hurt me!"<br></FONT> (visitors share -'what not to say')<br>

	Meghan's experiences ...'wrote me a short sympathy card,BUT HAD to add...'God loves you and wants you to be happy..its the devil that tries to take everything in your life..dont give in to the grief!' "What does the DEVIL have to do with my baby..I didnt do anything to deserve a m/c (no-one could) and certainly my baby didnt deserve it. And 'HELL' yes im going to grieve,and if that lets the devil into my life,so be it." '...said'Oh didnt your mother have a m/c too?' ,br> "which I took as'It must run in your family to be weak and screwed up'" '....told me about a friend who had 7 or 8 m/c (was I supposed to take that as 'well if you think 1 is bad,so and so had 8.Or was it..'get used to it kid you might have 6 or 7 more.' '...even said 'it wasnt a 'real' baby & proceeded to tell me the 'legal' definition of a 'real' baby. (Summary) "Dont tell someone Not to grieve! Let them know its OKAY to grieve as long and hard as they NEED (not want!).And dont ignore someone who's crying just because they do it every day!"
	Jane's experiences They described my baby as the "products of conception" and wondered why I objected to them using this term. They put my little babe into a specimen jar and let me look before they took it away for research. I had to ask to see it. I wasn't asked if they could take it. Later, a nurse overheard me speaking to my husband, who was abroad, on the phone."You told him you lost the baby. It wasn't really a baby, you know." That was 13 years ago. I have never forgotten or forgiven. "It" would have been a teenager in July.I know personally and knew then, people I saw on a scan at that stage in development who are now my dear, loving son and daughter. Women after a miscarriage have lost a baby. That is the fact and the medical profession should employ people competent to deal with the real emotion. It is only a generation ago that still births were taken abrubtly from their mothers with horrific results. We should be allowed the dignity of grief. Motherhood is a very big deal and starts with conception.
	Ana's experiences It really hurt me that my very best friend said, "Just call me if you need anything." I did call him, of course, but he never called me back... in almost 4 months.
	Melissa's experiences things my father-in law said... (the evening of my D&C): "So, are you walking funny?" (overheard him on the phone four days after my D&C): "Oh, she's fine. You know, modern technology."
	Jessica's experiences I started losing our baby the evening after my 1st doctor's appointment. The next morning, I went back and the doctor kept saying,"products of conception" and told me "You're losing your pregnancy" about 6 times. I lost a sweet baby. As far as I'm concern, that little being was a baby from the moment we conceive it. Also, both my husband & my parents live in different states 8+ hrs. away. I felt so alone. The friends to whom we were VERY close were on vacation out of state. My husband called them and told them I had started to miscarry on Thursday. They never called back to ask how I was doing. They got home Sunday night. I finished miscarrying Monday night, and called them to ask if I should go to the ER. She spoke with me and at the end of the conversation, told me,"I've been thinking about calling you all day today, but never got around to it." (Thank you -- now I feel totally alone.) And she had had a miscarriage herself year ago!
	Beth's experiences I had two miscarriages, but we only told people about the second. I think the most heartless things said to me were "You can always have another". And "You couldn't afford another baby right now anyway". Like the baby was a new car or something. I still ache for both of my "missing" children. Lisa's experiences I had a miscarriage at 11 1/2 weeks but I believe my baby had died at least a few weeks prior. Shortly after the nurse finished placing the remains of my baby in a small jar, she asked me, "So did the doctor say if you miscarried"? What hurt even more was after I had the m/c, my sister-in-law told me of her dream that I would lose the baby and that it was due to "my problem" with my one bad kidney. Talk about putting blame on someone and being naive. The non-functioning kidney had nothing to do with it. 3 specialists told me it was o.k. to get pregnant. This left me with the impression that she didn't think I could ever have another baby. I wish she would have kept her dream to herself!.
	Myra's experiences I was told I should be glad that I could conceive. At this time, it didn't matter because I had lost. One lady called to tell lend a shoulder but referred to my baby and miscarriage as "my little problem". "My little problem" was due on my birthday. We told our parents on Father's Day. It has been 3 months and it I still feel empty. I was told I would see my baby in heaven by one woman. I believe I will see he/she in heaven, but I want to hold it now.

Please Help others...add what HURT you!
(For the moment this form is on another page -Click here for input form)

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what to say!
What helps
Parents emotions
Back to Sweetpeas page

(Other peoples lists of what not to say!)
I wish you wouldnt say that...

'Floor plan' of the East Wing;

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Room 1

What Not
to say!' Room 3

What
helps!'
Room5

Your
Emotions
Room7

'Starlight
Gallery'
Room 9

Angel
babies'
Room 11

'Link
Library'

Reception

'East wing'

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Room 2

How does
it feel?' Room 4

What to
say' Room 6

Causes of
miscarriage Room 8

Submit a
memorial' Room 10

Sweetpeas
page Room 12

East wing
Friends

The above floor plan of the 'East wing will make it easier to find your way around. (You are currently in ROOM 1.)
For first time visitors with no experience of miscarriage;Welcome and thank you for visiting.I urge you to please start with ROOM 1!(you are here)
Also please take a look at ROOM 2which considers how the parents are feeling..
If you have had a miscarriage and are looking for specific help/information .. Firstly i am sorry for your loss, you could try ROOM 3 which suggests a few things to do which help with the grieving process.
If you are feeling things are hard to cope with..maybe ROOM 5 which lets you know you are not alone with your emotions and sometimes extreme feelings after a loss.
Naturally there is always the question 'Why?'.Often this simply cannot be answered but in ROOM 6 there are listed some causes of miscarriage.
ROOM 7and ROOM 9 are 'public' memorial rooms where parents have left touching tributes to their own babies.You can view these and if you wish to leave one of your own ..go to ROOM 8to submit a memorial using the blank form there.
ROOM 10 is my personal tribute to our 'Sweetpea',story and memorial.
ROOM 11 is the links library - listing helpful links to other memorial sites and miscarriage help information resources.
ROOM 12 Is a special link page for people who kindly use my banner and link to 'East wing..to display their banner ( or have their site listed) Your site does not have to deal with miscarriage related topics to be listed here.
Angie.

Beautiful Fairy Graphics by..

* * *	Room 1 What Not to say!'	Room 3 What helps!'	Room5 Your Emotions	Room7 'Starlight Gallery'	Room 9 Angel babies'	Room 11 'Link Library'
Reception 'East wing'
* * *	Room 2 How does it feel?'	Room 4 What to say'	Room 6 Causes of miscarriage	Room 8 Submit a memorial'	Room 10 Sweetpeas page	Room 12 East wing Friends