Deakin X

Written by Pauly and Angie: December 3rd 2001

Ethan sat in the Voodoo Cafe eating some rather yummy looking cakes.
"God, these are great Malia!" he smiled to Malia who was behind the counter.
"Oh thanks Ethan!" Malia grinned, "I thought you might like them! TRIPLE CHOCOLATE FUDGE!"
The door opened and Blake came in wearing only his boxer shorts.
"Blake! Forget to get dressed?" Ethan smiled.
"Ummm!" Blake said, "I just got up actually and Paul was gone! Does anyone know where he is?"
"Oh yeah!" Malia smiled, "He had an early breakfast, he's gone to Earth to his university, Deakin in Geelong!"
"WHAT! HE is studying so much latley you would think that course is more important than ME!" he burst out the room annoyed.
"Well!" said Ethan, "Someone's in trouble!"

Paul walked down the road with his friend Angie, he was visiting her on Earth and was going to check out the UNI campus as he was doing Psychology by correspondence.
"WOW big place!" Paul said looking at the giant uni.
"Nah!" said Angie with a casual wave of her hand - "This is just the outdoor toilet block!"
"GOD!" said Paul, "Well, I might take advantage of this oppurtunity!" he smiled, and opened the outdoor toilet, "ARHGHGHG A CORPSE!" he screamed in horror at a gutted corpse lying on the ground.
"Hmmmmmmm" Angie glanced over his shoulder "we get a lot of them around here" she peeped over his shoulder at the mess. " looks like this one is the disability studies co-ordinator She had it coming you know! She had a hobby of failing students just for fun - esp if it looked like they might get an HD. She never got a HD in her studies you see. Never mind! Would you like a Pizza?"
"Pizza sounds good Angie but........ look! She has the a red letter 'X' branded on her naked back!" Paul said surprised - I think this is more than a vengence killing!"
Angie coughed nervously and kicked some loose rolls of toilet paperl over the body. "whatever do you mean" she laughed nervously. "Just because she was a cruel old bitch who delighted in ruining diligent students lifes! That would be no reson for such a terrible thing to happen! She probably liked the letter X!"
"Hmmm probably, but I don't know! I'm determined to get to the bottom of this!" he smiled, "I'll meet you at the cafeteria later!" and he walked off with Angie eyeing him VERY EVILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meanwhile, in another part of the giant campus, a dark cave was the location for a demonic ritual.
"Oh great X, we sacrifice this young accounting student to you in order to achieve good grades this semester!" a robed figure chanted.
"Oh great X!" a bunch of robed figures chanted along with  him in the only-lit-by-fire-cave.
"PAH - accounting student! Is that the BEST you can come up with! Dry and boring! Get me a more suitable subject!!!!!!!"
The robed figures all shit themselves cos they didnt really think big ol X could or would answer.
The leader of the group said allowed, "OH GREAT X - IF THIS YOUNG VIRILE ACCOUNTING STUDENT WON'T DO, WHO DO YOU WANT?!?!"
"But, where could we possibly find one of those?"
"There is a lost one trying to find the cafeteria right now!! Bring him here I shall have wild sex with him and then eat him"
"Oh great X!" said the leader, "How can you do those things to him, if you don't exist on the mortal plane?"
"Of course!" smiled the leader, "GROUP! It is our mission to find that student, and bring him to our cave, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Cackling wildly, they burst out into the innocent sunshine.
"Look!" said the leader, "There's Angie!"
They all ran grovelling and slobbering over to her , falling at her feet and kissing them.
"Angie!" they whimpered "We have to find a bright young psychology student, Great X demands it if we are to get good grades this semester!"
Angie started in shock "What!? what about the bloody accounting waste of space student i sent over?"
They all grovelled and whimpered some more " too dry and dusty....wants wild sex with a bright young thing" "hell!" muttered Angie in consternation. In between  kissing her feeet they explained that a suitable candidate was looking for the cafeteria
"oh shit" commented Angie
Paul was sitting in the cafeteria when he was surprised to see Blake walk over and he looked annoyed.
"PAUL! You are neglecting me with UNIVERSITY I demand satisfaction!" and he slapped him with a glove.
Paul rubbed his offended cheek in mild shock. "sit down Blakey" he suggested, " I can see you are upset, perhaps we can talk about this ?" Blakey jumped up and down in infuriated frustration , screamed and yelled and ate a chair. Pauly sighed, " you will have to pay for that you know!" he commented. Blakey shrieked and jumped on the table, then he fell off and ate the table too.
Pauly looked at him in surprise " what do you want me to do?" he enquired politely
"Oh just FORGET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Blake said, "Sometimes I don't know why I bother!" he stormed off back to the Explorer leaving a shocked Paul sitting there as Angie ran over.
"Oh there you are Pauly" Angie smiled sweetly , glancing around nervously. "You dont happen to know of any errr lost bright young juicy Psychology students looking for the cafeteria do you?" Pauly burst into tears which surprised Angie very much as she had thought she was hiding the fact that an inflamed bunch of lunatics wanted to rape and eat him rather well, "Pauly have you considered giving up Psychology and taking up something else... er  like accounting? " she suggested hopefully. "NOW perhaps?". Pauly wailed. Angie patted him comfortingly and gulped as she noticed the slobbering band approaching over a nearby hill, "OH by the way!" she commented "I saw Blakey a minute ago - he yelled 'the university is raping and devouring my beloved' - wasnt that a strange thing to say!' she laughed nervously
"Oh I don't know Angie he is a strange boy. I'm thinking I might work on this murder investigation for a while to take my mind off the arguement! What's that? Accounting? Are you kidding, that was my lowest mark in the final year of school and I've already swapped subjects round enough! I'm doing PSYCH!" and he walked off a bit unsure of himself.
'Shit' reflected Angie in a very unladylike manner
MEANWHILE back in the cave, X wasn't a happy chappy
"I HAVE DISCOVERED SOMETHING BAD ABOUT OUR SUBJECT!" he roared to the robed figures.
The robed figures went of to change their underpants yet again
Meanwhile, on Explorer, Blake was sitting in the flight-deckr complaining to Carla and Gemini.
"I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt, he's trying really hard to get good grades and stuff!" Carla said.
"I know but sometimes I feel like I'M not worth attention, just his study!"
"Oh that's nonsence!" Gemini said, "He loves you!!!"
"Really?" Blakey smiled, "Oh I know he does. You guys are right. I've been a fool, I should go and tell him right now how much he means to me!"
"Umm yeah! What was he like when you left him at Deakin?" Carla said.
"He seemed a bit upset!" Blake said, "I should apologise too!"
Suddenly, the ship shook around like mad.
"What was that?" asked Gemini.
Suddenly they heard manic laughter coming towards them....
Angie trailed along behind Pauly. 'um Pauly, ' she muttered "theres something i should probably tell you"
"Oh no! I missed a due date for my assignment did I?"
"Er no.....well maybe i dont know........ um no that wasnt it!"
"Angie I'm in no mood to play guessing games, someone was murdered and branded with bizarre lettering, my boyfriend and I have had an argument and knowing my luck and insane group of perfect-grade-seeking students wants to sacrifice me to achieve a perfect score! HAHA like that LAST bit would ever happen!"
"Um yeah , heh heh " giggled Angie nervously.
Pauly glanced at her thoughtfully, "By the way Anie - what were your scores last semester? "
"oh! heh, um not very good" Angie smiled .
"Look" Pauly pointed - there is a computer, here log onto student connect and we shall see!" A few minutes later after angie had reluctantly done so at gun point all was revealed "100% 100% 100% 100% WHAT! GAWD!"
"Angie," Pauly whispered, "What is that big red X on your t-shirt?"
"I spilt some tomato sauce!" Angie quickly improvised
"LIAR! That X on you and the X on the disability teacher is NO COINCIDENCE!! In the cafeteria I heard some whispering about a secret society here at Deakin Uni that takes part in ritualistic killings in order to gain perfect scores! YOU are part of that group ohmygod Angie, WHY, WHY, WHY would you let yourself be dragged into such a place!!!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.
"Shut up" angie hissed crossly. "I am not part of the group, I just control it, heh its not so bad really,,,you know a few bodies here and there and well you know, my grades are so important" Angie finally realised the terrible mess she was in and broke down in sobs. "pauly" she wailed " they want you!, Ive been trying to protect you but they are too strong now! Im sorry! It might not be too bad - just a crazed gang rape , then they will eat you. It will only take 6 or 7 days!"
Suddenly as Angie flung herself around dramatically some drugs fell out her nose, "Oh my god who has been forcing drugs into me!"
"Angie you are the victim here! This group has used you and pumped you full of drugs in order to do their evil bidding!!!! At least now we know the truth!"
"Shit!" said Angie, "And I thought the desire for perfect marks was a far-fetched explanation!"
At that moment as the two friends hugged each othert in relief................ the slobbering pack burst into the room
"Oh what a tender moment!" the leader sighed, tearing off his hood revealing himself to be........ THE OLD FRIEND!
"OH MY GOD!" Paul cried, "IT'S HIM!
"Oh NO!" gasped Angie.
Angie blushed hotly and looked at the ground, "I'm so sorry Pauly!" she muttered, "Maybe we should call Blakey now?"
"Never mind calling your little shipmates, I have taken everything into consideration!" The Old Friend smiled, "Your crew are all tied up and can't stop me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Oh heck!" Angie glanced sideways at Pauly "now what?"
"He hates me!" whimpered Angie
"WELL!" he said, launching into his sob story, "You may have remembered the last adventure where I lied about stealing Angie's nude shower videos, then I killed all her mansion staff because I blamed her for the death of my twin brother Harry! Well in the end you guys convinced me that she wasn't responsible for his death, and I've thought about it for a few months and I realise although it... was nearly 30 years ago, I just don't feel like the same Old Friend if I don't have someone to blame. SO I THOUGHT WELL, I'LL WRECK HER LIFE BY MAKING HER DRUG-FUCKED AND FORCING HER TO DO THINGS SHE WILL LATER REGRET BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA HAH AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH! Quite distrubing really the way my mind works!"
Paul blinked for a while. Angie blinked too.
"What are you going to do with us now?" she asked eventually.
"Well, what do you think I'm going to do FOOL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA I'm an upstanding citizen, you have murdered several people and well, I am going to turn you into the police! But first, the great Deakin X requires a sacrifice - and that sacrifice is PAUL! Muahhahahahahahahahhahahahahaha, bwahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahha!"
"NO" Angie snapped crossly "You cant have him, he is my bestest buddy and even with the dreadful drugs you distorted my personality with I was not willing to harm him! You will have to get past me first" and she bravely jumped in front of Pauly. All the hooded figures fell about laughing as she was very small and not terribly scary
"OH ANGIE, I didn't want to have to do this!" The Old Friend smiled, and he walked behind a corner and dragged a gagged Pat over with a knife to her throat, "Oh lovely Patty Cakes! Her throat wouldn't look good OPENED would it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH,HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
"MUMMY!" Paul cried fondly.
"GAWD! You think of everything don't you?" gasped Angie, "But not QUITE everything!" she grinned evily.
"Oh No?" said The Old Friend, "I pride myself on thinking of everything! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH HAAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAH!"
"No" angie insisted calmly ' not this time you see i found something in the cave which is very dear to YOU"
Triumphantly she pulled something out from under her jumper. Pauly looked over curiously - he had been wondering what had been making the odd shape under her clothes. Everyone gasped as she revealed a funeral urn! "Your dear twin brothers ashes I assume?" Angie sneered. The old friend gasped in horror and dropped Pat. He lurched forward wailing "give me that!" he demanded desperately. Angie lifted the top off the jar and looked inside rudely she licked a finger and stuck it in the jar. "STOP" shrieked the old friend
He shrieked wildly, ran towards Paul and plunged the dagger into his heart. As Paul coughed out blood, the urn began to shake, "OH GREAT X, TAKE THIS SACRIFICE, AND REPLACE TO ME THE ONE THAT WAS TAKEN SO MANY YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"BULLSHIT!" shrieked Angie in absolute fury. The urn slipped from her fingers and smashed to the floor. The Old Friend suddenly shrieked in agony. The X had decided, being a fickle sort that the OLD FRIEND was a better sacrifice and with the OF's words the dagger mysteriously plunged into the OF who collapsed on the floor. The ashes meanwhile rapidly shaped themselves into the unbelievably gorgeous and naked Harry.
"WOW!" gasped Angie in great joy and shoved Pauly out the way so he wouldnt bleed on Harry. "Hi !" she whispered fluttering her eyelashes.
Harry looked at her thoughtfully. He smiled,"You remind me of the hottest chick I ever met!" He commented "Are you her mother?"
Pauly gasped and looked up at him and felt very horny  (even though he was dieing) because Harry was unbelievably sexy. "Hi" he croaked.
Harry smiled at him "This is more like it! " he exclaimed happily.
Angie shrieked in jealous fury and snatching the dagger plunged it into Harry. Harry fell forward - pouring blood all over Pauly and he turned back to dust. Wiith Harry's re-death Pauly was miraculously saved and sat up rubbing his chest.
"Damn it Angie" he snapped "He wanted me!"
"You were dying! " retorted Angie rudely
"Besides!" smiled Blake walking over with a huge grin, "What about me?"
"Ha Ha" added Angie who was still cross with Pauly for stealing the attention of stupid Harry, "now you have been caught leching you horny bastard!"
"I thought you hated me!" Paul said.
"Oh don't think that at all!" said Blake, "I realised I overreacted. I just want things to be allright again!"
Pauly leapt to his feet with a happy grin and hugged Blakey, it was all really mushy and young lovey
and Angie kicked Harrys ashes crossly.
"Well, wheres my happy ending!" Angie said as she kicked the ashes. Suddenly she got a call on her mobile from her hubby Kenny who said he had organised a romantic dinner for two at the most expensive restaurant in town and wanted her there.
"Oh heck - thats right I have a wonderful husband! " she smiled happily and jumped in the bat car to go there at once.
Pauly and Blakey smiled and helped Pat up, the cult of Deakin X was no more, and The Old Friend would stop messing with Angie's life... they all walked off happy, and had a wonderful evening!
Lightning was striking over Deakin University, as a figure started shifting over the ground... it was the Old Friend... HE WAS ALIVE!
"HOW?" he squealed as he noticed he was alive.
Julian, Leader of the Afterlife stood there, "HELLO? You were dead once and I sent you back because you are so annoying and you laugh so much. I saw you pop up there again and sent u back here right away, how annoying are YOU!?"
"Oh thankyou... and my brother Harry? Can you bring him back to?"
"Sure!" smiled Julian, "I've also killed the god of X that you worshipped, so don't bother with cults anymore!"
The Old Friend looked at Harry's ashes, "I won't need cults to take my revenge on Angie and the Explorer crew once my brother and I are reunited! We shall be a force unstoppable! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, MWHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
"Yeah whatever!" Julian said vanishing.