Written by Pauly and Angie: December 3rd 2001
Ethan sat in the Voodoo Cafe eating some rather yummy looking cakes.
Paul walked down the road with his friend Angie, he was visiting her on
Earth and was going to check out the UNI campus as he was doing Psychology
"God, these are great Malia!" he smiled to Malia who was behind the
"Oh thanks Ethan!" Malia grinned, "I thought you might like them! TRIPLE
The door opened and Blake came in wearing only his boxer shorts.
"Blake! Forget to get dressed?" Ethan smiled.
"Ummm!" Blake said, "I just got up actually and Paul was gone! Does
anyone know where he is?"
"Oh yeah!" Malia smiled, "He had an early breakfast, he's gone to Earth
to his university, Deakin in Geelong!"
"WHAT! HE is studying so much latley you would think that course is
more important than ME!" he burst out the room annoyed.
"Well!" said Ethan, "Someone's in trouble!"
"WOW big place!" Paul said looking at the giant uni.
"Nah!" said Angie with a casual wave of her hand - "This is just the
outdoor toilet block!"
"GOD!" said Paul, "Well, I might take advantage of this oppurtunity!"
he smiled, and opened the outdoor toilet, "ARHGHGHG A CORPSE!" he screamed
in horror at a gutted corpse lying on the ground.
"Hmmmmmmm" Angie glanced over his shoulder "we get a lot of them around
here" she peeped over his shoulder at the mess. " looks like this one is
the disability studies co-ordinator She had it coming you know! She had
a hobby of failing students just for fun - esp if it looked like they might
get an HD. She never got a HD in her studies you see. Never mind! Would
you like a Pizza?"
"Pizza sounds good Angie but........ look! She has the a red letter
'X' branded on her naked back!" Paul said surprised - I think this is more
than a vengence killing!"
Angie coughed nervously and kicked some loose rolls of toilet paperl
over the body. "whatever do you mean" she laughed nervously. "Just because
she was a cruel old bitch who delighted in ruining diligent students lifes!
That would be no reson for such a terrible thing to happen! She probably
liked the letter X!"
"Hmmm probably, but I don't know! I'm determined to get to the bottom
of this!" he smiled, "I'll meet you at the cafeteria later!" and he walked
off with Angie eyeing him VERY EVILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meanwhile, in another part of the giant campus, a dark cave was the location
for a demonic ritual.
"Oh great X, we sacrifice this young accounting student to you in order
to achieve good grades this semester!" a robed figure chanted.
"Oh great X!" a bunch of robed figures chanted along with him
in the only-lit-by-fire-cave.
"PAH - accounting student! Is that the BEST you can come up with! Dry
and boring! Get me a more suitable subject!!!!!!!"
The robed figures all shit themselves cos they didnt really think big
ol X could or would answer.
The leader of the group said allowed, "OH GREAT X - IF THIS YOUNG VIRILE
ACCOUNTING STUDENT WON'T DO, WHO DO YOU WANT?!?!"
"SOMETHING MORE EXCITING LIKE A BRIGHT YOUNG PSYCHOLOGY STUDENT! HA!"
"But, where could we possibly find one of those?"
"There is a lost one trying to find the cafeteria right now!! Bring
him here I shall have wild sex with him and then eat him"
"Oh great X!" said the leader, "How can you do those things to him,
if you don't exist on the mortal plane?"
"FOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLSSSSSSSSSS YOU SHALL DO IT FOR ME!"
"Of course!" smiled the leader, "GROUP! It is our mission to find that
student, and bring him to our cave, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH,
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Cackling wildly, they burst
out into the innocent sunshine.
"Look!" said the leader, "There's Angie!"
They all ran grovelling and slobbering over to her , falling at her
feet and kissing them.
"Angie!" they whimpered "We have to find a bright young psychology
student, Great X demands it if we are to get good grades this semester!"
Angie started in shock "What!? what about the bloody accounting waste
of space student i sent over?"
They all grovelled and whimpered some more " too dry and dusty....wants
wild sex with a bright young thing" "hell!" muttered Angie in consternation.
In between kissing her feeet they explained that a suitable candidate
was looking for the cafeteria
"oh shit" commented Angie
Paul was sitting in the cafeteria when he was surprised to see Blake walk
over and he looked annoyed.
"PAUL! You are neglecting me with UNIVERSITY I demand satisfaction!"
and he slapped him with a glove.
Paul rubbed his offended cheek in mild shock. "sit down Blakey" he
suggested, " I can see you are upset, perhaps we can talk about this ?"
Blakey jumped up and down in infuriated frustration , screamed and yelled
and ate a chair. Pauly sighed, " you will have to pay for that you know!"
he commented. Blakey shrieked and jumped on the table, then he fell off
and ate the table too.
Pauly looked at him in surprise " what do you want me to do?" he enquired
"Oh just FORGET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Blake said, "Sometimes I don't know
why I bother!" he stormed off back to the Explorer leaving a shocked
Paul sitting there as Angie ran over.
"Oh there you are Pauly" Angie smiled sweetly , glancing around nervously.
"You dont happen to know of any errr lost bright young juicy Psychology
students looking for the cafeteria do you?" Pauly burst into tears which
surprised Angie very much as she had thought she was hiding the fact that
an inflamed bunch of lunatics wanted to rape and eat him rather well, "Pauly
have you considered giving up Psychology and taking up something else...
er like accounting? " she suggested hopefully. "NOW perhaps?". Pauly
wailed. Angie patted him comfortingly and gulped as she noticed the slobbering
band approaching over a nearby hill, "OH by the way!" she commented "I
saw Blakey a minute ago - he yelled 'the university is raping and devouring
my beloved' - wasnt that a strange thing to say!' she laughed nervously
"Oh I don't know Angie he is a strange boy. I'm thinking I might work
on this murder investigation for a while to take my mind off the arguement!
What's that? Accounting? Are you kidding, that was my lowest mark in the
final year of school and I've already swapped subjects round enough! I'm
doing PSYCH!" and he walked off a bit unsure of himself.
'Shit' reflected Angie in a very unladylike manner
MEANWHILE back in the cave, X wasn't a happy chappy
"I HAVE DISCOVERED SOMETHING BAD ABOUT OUR SUBJECT!" he roared to the
The robed figures went of to change their underpants yet again
"PAUL HAS A SHIP AND CREW THAT MAY COME TO HIS RESCUE! THEY MUST BE
STOPPED AT ALL COSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Meanwhile, on Explorer, Blake was sitting in the flight-deckr complaining
to Carla and Gemini.
"I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt, he's trying
really hard to get good grades and stuff!" Carla said.
"I know but sometimes I feel like I'M not worth attention, just his
"Oh that's nonsence!" Gemini said, "He loves you!!!"
"Really?" Blakey smiled, "Oh I know he does. You guys are right. I've
been a fool, I should go and tell him right now how much he means to me!"
"Umm yeah! What was he like when you left him at Deakin?" Carla said.
"He seemed a bit upset!" Blake said, "I should apologise too!"
Suddenly, the ship shook around like mad.
"What was that?" asked Gemini.
Suddenly they heard manic laughter coming towards them....
Angie trailed along behind Pauly. 'um Pauly, ' she muttered "theres something
i should probably tell you"
"Oh no! I missed a due date for my assignment did I?"
"Er no.....well maybe i dont know........ um no that wasnt it!"
"Angie I'm in no mood to play guessing games, someone was murdered
and branded with bizarre lettering, my boyfriend and I have had an argument
and knowing my luck and insane group of perfect-grade-seeking students
wants to sacrifice me to achieve a perfect score! HAHA like that LAST bit
would ever happen!"
"Um yeah , heh heh " giggled Angie nervously.
Pauly glanced at her thoughtfully, "By the way Anie - what were your
scores last semester? "
"oh! heh, um not very good" Angie smiled .
"Look" Pauly pointed - there is a computer, here log onto student connect
and we shall see!" A few minutes later after angie had reluctantly done
so at gun point all was revealed "100% 100% 100% 100% WHAT! GAWD!"
"Angie," Pauly whispered, "What is that big red X on your t-shirt?"
"I spilt some tomato sauce!" Angie quickly improvised
"LIAR! That X on you and the X on the disability teacher is NO COINCIDENCE!!
In the cafeteria I heard some whispering about a secret society here at
Deakin Uni that takes part in ritualistic killings in order to gain perfect
scores! YOU are part of that group ohmygod Angie, WHY, WHY, WHY would you
let yourself be dragged into such a place!!!" he yelled at the top of his
"Shut up" angie hissed crossly. "I am not part of the group, I just
control it, heh heh...um its not so bad really,,,you know a few bodies
here and there and well you know, my grades are so important" Angie finally
realised the terrible mess she was in and broke down in sobs. "pauly" she
wailed " they want you!, Ive been trying to protect you but they are too
strong now! Im sorry! It might not be too bad - just a crazed gang rape
, then they will eat you. It will only take 6 or 7 days!"
Suddenly as Angie flung herself around dramatically some drugs fell
out her nose, "Oh my god who has been forcing drugs into me!"
"Angie you are the victim here! This group has used you and pumped
you full of drugs in order to do their evil bidding!!!! At least now we
know the truth!"
"Shit!" said Angie, "And I thought the desire for perfect marks was
a far-fetched explanation!"
At that moment as the two friends hugged each othert in relief................
the slobbering pack burst into the room
"Oh what a tender moment!" the leader sighed, tearing off his hood
revealing himself to be........ THE OLD FRIEND!
"OH MY GOD!" Paul cried, "IT'S HIM!
"Oh NO!" gasped Angie.
"Remember me ANGIE DARLING?" The Old Friend smiled, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Angie blushed hotly and looked at the ground, "I'm so sorry Pauly!"
she muttered, "Maybe we should call Blakey now?"
"Never mind calling your little shipmates, I have taken everything
into consideration!" The Old Friend smiled, "Your crew are all tied up
and can't stop me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Oh heck!" Angie glanced sideways at Pauly "now what?"
"OLD FRIEND, WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVATION FOR RUNNING A SECRET UNI CULT
THAT SACRIFICES STUDENTS TO ACHIEVE FANTASTIC MARKS? AND WHY INVOLVE ANGIE!"
"He hates me!" whimpered Angie
"WELL!" he said, launching into his sob story, "You may have remembered
the last adventure where I lied about stealing Angie's nude shower videos,
then I killed all her mansion staff because I blamed her for the death
of my twin brother Harry! Well in the end you guys convinced me that she
wasn't responsible for his death, and I've thought about it for a few months
and I realise although it... was nearly 30 years ago, I just don't feel
like the same Old Friend if I don't have someone to blame. SO I THOUGHT
WELL, I'LL WRECK HER LIFE BY MAKING HER DRUG-FUCKED AND FORCING HER TO
DO THINGS SHE WILL LATER REGRET BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA HAH AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH!
Quite distrubing really the way my mind works!"
Paul blinked for a while. Angie blinked too.
"What are you going to do with us now?" she asked eventually.
"Well, what do you think I'm going to do FOOL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
I'm an upstanding citizen, you have murdered several people and well, I
am going to turn you into the police! But first, the great Deakin X requires
a sacrifice - and that sacrifice is PAUL! Muahhahahahahahahahhahahahahaha,
"NO" Angie snapped crossly "You cant have him, he is my bestest buddy
and even with the dreadful drugs you distorted my personality with I was
not willing to harm him! You will have to get past me first" and she bravely
jumped in front of Pauly. All the hooded figures fell about laughing as
she was very small and not terribly scary
"OH ANGIE, I didn't want to have to do this!" The Old Friend smiled,
and he walked behind a corner and dragged a gagged Pat over with a knife
to her throat, "Oh lovely Patty Cakes! Her throat wouldn't look good OPENED
would it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH,HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Step BACK! Or that's what
"MUMMY!" Paul cried fondly.
"GAWD! You think of everything don't you?" gasped Angie, "But not QUITE
everything!" she grinned evily.
"Oh No?" said The Old Friend, "I pride myself on thinking of everything!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH HAAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAH!"
"No" angie insisted calmly ' not this time you see i found something
in the cave which is very dear to YOU"
Triumphantly she pulled something out from under her jumper. Pauly
looked over curiously - he had been wondering what had been making the
odd shape under her clothes. Everyone gasped as she revealed a funeral
urn! "Your dear twin brothers ashes I assume?" Angie sneered. The old friend
gasped in horror and dropped Pat. He lurched forward wailing "give me that!"
he demanded desperately. Angie lifted the top off the jar and looked inside
rudely she licked a finger and stuck it in the jar. "STOP" shrieked the
He shrieked wildly, ran towards Paul and plunged the dagger into his
heart. As Paul coughed out blood, the urn began to shake, "OH GREAT X,
TAKE THIS SACRIFICE, AND REPLACE TO ME THE ONE THAT WAS TAKEN SO MANY YEARS
"BULLSHIT!" shrieked Angie in absolute fury. The urn slipped from her
fingers and smashed to the floor. The Old Friend suddenly shrieked in agony.
The X had decided, being a fickle sort that the OLD FRIEND was a better
sacrifice and with the OF's words the dagger mysteriously plunged into
the OF who collapsed on the floor. The ashes meanwhile rapidly shaped themselves
into the unbelievably gorgeous and naked Harry.
"WOW!" gasped Angie in great joy and shoved Pauly out the way so he
wouldnt bleed on Harry. "Hi !" she whispered fluttering her eyelashes.
Harry looked at her thoughtfully. He smiled,"You remind me of the hottest
chick I ever met!" He commented "Are you her mother?"
Pauly gasped and looked up at him and felt very horny (even though
he was dieing) because Harry was unbelievably sexy. "Hi" he croaked.
Harry smiled at him "This is more like it! " he exclaimed happily.
Angie shrieked in jealous fury and snatching the dagger plunged it
into Harry. Harry fell forward - pouring blood all over Pauly and he turned
back to dust. Wiith Harry's re-death Pauly was miraculously saved and sat
up rubbing his chest.
"Damn it Angie" he snapped "He wanted me!"
"You were dying! " retorted Angie rudely
"Besides!" smiled Blake walking over with a huge grin, "What about
"Ha Ha" added Angie who was still cross with Pauly for stealing the
attention of stupid Harry, "now you have been caught leching you horny
"I thought you hated me!" Paul said.
"Oh don't think that at all!" said Blake, "I realised I overreacted.
I just want things to be allright again!"
Pauly leapt to his feet with a happy grin and hugged Blakey, it was
all really mushy and young lovey
and Angie kicked Harrys ashes crossly.
"Well, wheres my happy ending!" Angie said as she kicked the ashes.
Suddenly she got a call on her mobile from her hubby Kenny who said he
had organised a romantic dinner for two at the most expensive restaurant
in town and wanted her there.
"Oh heck - thats right I have a wonderful husband! " she smiled happily
and jumped in the bat car to go there at once.
Pauly and Blakey smiled and helped Pat up, the cult of Deakin X was
no more, and The Old Friend would stop messing with Angie's life... they
all walked off happy, and had a wonderful evening!
LATER THAT NIGHT
Lightning was striking over Deakin University, as a figure started
shifting over the ground... it was the Old Friend... HE WAS ALIVE!
"HOW?" he squealed as he noticed he was alive.
Julian, Leader of the Afterlife stood there, "HELLO? You were dead
once and I sent you back because you are so annoying and you laugh so much.
I saw you pop up there again and sent u back here right away, how annoying
"Oh thankyou... and my brother Harry? Can you bring him back to?"
"Sure!" smiled Julian, "I've also killed the god of X that you worshipped,
so don't bother with cults anymore!"
The Old Friend looked at Harry's ashes, "I won't need cults to take
my revenge on Angie and the Explorer crew once my brother and I are reunited!
We shall be a force unstoppable! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, MWHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH,
"Yeah whatever!" Julian said vanishing.
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH, MWAHHWAAHHAHAHAHAHAHA, MWAHAHAHAHHA
MWAHAHAHAHAHAH, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH,