by ANGIE and PAUL
on the internet talking to a friend he had met called Angie. They were
talking about a Psychology degree they were both doing by correspondence
(in Paul's case, by galactic correspondence)
How is life Angie?"
Pauly - I have 10 days left to learn 1/2 a years worth of work . I thought
I might post on Topclass asking ArmAtAss what the exam questions
will be - what'd you think?"
that reminds me of Retina... that really dumb student we both hate!" Paul
laughed, "But how is life like on the farm?"
secretly filled in another page of her dossier on Pauls interesting mental
condition - which she was planning to use as the basis for her thesis,
and sent Pauly lots of smily faces and things so he wouldnt know :) :)
Paul , its like this..... things are crook in Toolarook, and here too......
the other night - when it was a full moon.. I went into the woods , stripped
off all my clothes and began a long and complicated magic spell! However
I soon changed my mind cos it was blloooody cold - so i put them all back
on again and began hunting for sticks for my fire. I didnt have to hunt
long cos i was in the woods. so i made a HUGE pile. SUDDENLY.... I heard
a twig snap behind me and a sound of roaring. It was so loud and close..
my hair blew forward over my face so i couldnt see anything. I felt hot
breath on my neck...... fortunately I happened to have a can of petrol
and matches under my coat , in case of emergencies - so i threw the petrol
on the fire and chucked on a lighted match. In the resulting shooting tower
of flame I turned to see, by the light of my burning eyebrows, a huge ferocious
lioness disappearing into the undergrowth!"
looked thoughtful, "A HUGE FEROCIOUS LIONESS STALKING THE INNOCENT PEOPLE
IN YOUR WOODS? Why do I figure that soon my ship and crew will be dragged
into the potential dangers this wild beast poses?"
I should warn you that there aint no innocent people in these here woods
- however to be drawn into the seething cesspits of the universe...that
is your destiny dear Paul!"
got a look of horror in his place, "I have never heard anything so SCARY
IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I think I may have breast reduction surgery!" Pat his mother said
walking into the room.
I take that back!" Paul said.
sitting in the Voodoo Cafe, Malia the Voodoo queen was serving them some
that all you cook?" smiled Ethan.
the cat walked in looking bored "I would like to do something! I
am bored today. It's been an uneventful day!" Max said.
from now where a fluorescent pink beam of light shot down apon Max and
he was sucked violently up into the air and VANISHED!
THAT!" said Ethan, "Was eventful!"
in the dingy bowels of the alien spacecraft which had mysteriously abducted
Max a group of alien beings clustered around his indignant form.
They chattered excitedly and poked him with jelly tipped fingers. " What
a weird earthling" one giggled . "Lets experiment on him" another sniggered.
(The space craft was actually full of a bunch of teenage aliens who had
stolen a craft and were joyriding.
me!" said Max, "I am not just any Earthling, I am in fact, a feline! A
wonderous creation, far superior to any Earthling, and may I tell you,
you are messing with the wrong kitty!"
intoned one of the aliens making mock fearful motions. "Scary kitttyyyyyyy"
.The aliens all fell about grabbing each other in helpless laughter. When
they got control of themselves they all fixed their eyes on Max and smiled
in a not-very-nice way.... "GET HIM!!!!!!!"
please!" Max moaned in his posh voice, "You do not need to grab at me.
I am such an egotistical creature I would rather be taken willingly than
having my fur messed up. And if you are going to do any fur messing....
I prefer Super Gel in order to sustain my beauty!"
aliens fell about laughing again, and spent the next 20 minutes imitating
him. " OOOH I say" warbled one turning to his sniggering buddy, " I say
would you mind combing my hair before you disembowel my perfectness?"
others laughed before a somewhat serious looking one walked in with a bunch
of test-tubes, "We won't kill anyone today.... we shall test EJsu's fathers
laboratory experiments on bringing on volotile behaviour!!!!!!!!"
Yeah!" The teenage aliens reacted enthusiastically and before he could
say "Pass me the mirror" Max was suddenly flipped up in the air and landed
inside a glass tank - not unlike a fishbowl. Desperately he started smoothing
his fur.......but an odd odour started to fill the tank and he wasnt even
aware of losing conciousness as he sank silently down.
on Explorer's flight-deck, Gemini and Carla looked angry as Ethan told
the story of Max's sudden vanishing from the Voodoo Cafe.
must find Max before Paul knows he is missing!" said Gemini, "Otherwise
he will be very upset!"
we could just get another kitten and stick a photo of Max on it - Paul
might not notice?" Carla suggested.
I don't think he is that stupid!" Ethan said, "Maybe Max is onboard that
evil alien looking ship on the viewscreen with the words WE ABDUCT written
on the side?"
remained oblivious to all that was happening as he chattered aimlessly
on the computer. After a few hours he decided he felt a bit hungry and
went to look for the others to see if anyone happened to have some yummy
Ghost in the Cafe trying to eat, but the food kept falling out her non-corporeal
body and she looked to be getting more and more pissed off with each second,
"It's not easy being a ghost Paul!! I saw Blake before, he said you are
spending all your time studying for exams lately and havn't even noticed
that your cat has been missing for several hours!" she smiled sweetly.
snapped paul crossly ( weak from lack of food and sleep) These exams are
very important to me and there are only a few days study time left - I'll
have you know that I........hang on a minute..... my cat...... MAAAAAAAAAAAXXXX!!!!!
what do you mean! ? How can he be missing? Why didnt somebody TELLLLLLLL
raced up to the flight deck and yelled at Gem, Ethan and Carla who were
struggling to beam Max back somehow. He noticed the evil alien ship on
CAT, MY CAT MUST BE ONBOARD THAT EVIL ALIEN VESSEL!!!!!! COULD THE ABDUCTION
OF MY LITTLE CAT SOMEHOW RESULT IN MY DESTINY ANGIE SPOKE OF EARLIER?!?!?!?!?"
Suddenly Max was beamed into the middle of the flight-deck looking soaking
wet and shaking around a bit.
MAXXXXXX MAXXXXXXXXXMAAAAAAAAAAAAXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX" Paul shrieked with joy
rushing to the bedraggled creature and sweeping him up to cover him in
kisses. Max leapt back in horror. "Dont TOUCH me!" he spat, " I..I'm not
myself.... " I need attending to - must restore my impeccable condition..."
he gasped and spluttered a little , which may have been a sob but he hid
*REALLY* doesn't look too good does he?" asked Carla, noticing that Max
was kinda growing.
dont touch him - you dont know WHERE he's been" advised Gemini, trying
really hard not to laugh at Max's ridiculous appearance (of course everyone
was really relieved he was back)
where he's been!" said Paul, "On board that EVIL ALIEN SHIP!!!!! I SHALL
DESTROY THEM FOR DOING THIS TO HIM" but they had (as good alien abducters
vented his frustration on a little voodoo alien spaceship dolly which he
quickly whipped up using things lying around the flight-deck (like cloth
from the seat covers and wires from the electrical equipment) He was so
busy and preoccupied he didnt notice that a shocked silence had fallen
. Just as he was about to stick the first pin into the dolly (or would
have if he had had a pin) he heard roaring and felt hot breath on the back
of his neck.....
MY GOD..... THE LIONESS FROM ANGIE'S WOODS MUST BE HERE!" Paul screamed,
but he turned to see Max had grown MUCH BIGGER, and was a big black cat
with sabred teeth, dripping saliva and claws the size of his ego!!!!!
shrieked Paul in extreme distress, throwing the little voodoo dolly at
the monster Max.
LIONESS SOUNDS TASTY!!!!! I MUST TAKE A MATE AND PRODUCE OFFSPRING AS ANIMAL
INSTINCT IS DRIVING ME NOW, NOTHING MORE!!!!!!!!!" and he ran to the ship's
transporter, pressed a few buttons and vanished from the good ship Explorer.
with an undignified crash on the edge of the woods which were being stalked
by the huge and ferocious Lioness. It was more of a splash actually as
there had been a ridiculous amount of rain in the last week - that being
nothing unusual for this area- and the earth had turned to soggy quagmire.
Max for once gave not a damn. He leapt up and roared ferociously
- bristling with wild savagery.
TO ME FELLOW SAVAGE CREATURE " he shouted enthusiastically, "I am mighty
, powerful , virile and I have a REALLY BIG...." He was cut short as out
of the wooods leapt an enormous blood stained lioness
virile man!" the beautiful lioness spoke, "I am required to take a mate
who has an equal amount of good assests as I do. That is too say, as a
powerful, mighty virile man, you would fit the bill quite nicely!"
roared again ( just cos it sounded good) and bounded over to the lioness
, swatting her brutally to her knees (or the lioness equivalent)
great Maximus... I sense that we will have a beautiful relationship!" she
clapped her hands and a bunch of animals lower on the food chain ran over
and formed a wedding procession.
and the lioness who name was Gratifa ate all the other animals
ARE NOW MARRIED!" Gratifa laughed, "You will be a much better mate than
my old husband, Wallnau! Why don't we test that theory?"
didnt stop to ask what happened to Wallnau - he assumed that he had probably
died on the job and roaring with passion he proceded to have his wicked
way without a thought ,or a care, for Gratifa's pleasure (TYPICAL MALE)
The two savage lovers roared and carried on in quite a ridiculous manner
in the middle of a moonlit clearing. Every so often tiny animals which
dared to peek out to see what was going on- were savagly devoured. The
noisy and violent pairing continued on into the night until Max's enormous
body began to drip with sweat.
back on Explorer, a frantic Pauly had to be chained to his bed as Blake
conversed with Angie over the internet about the latest events. Angie was
able to give an updated account as it just so happened that her computer
was right beside a window which looked out on the woods and max and Gratifa
were clearly visible in the moonlit clearing (due to a bulldozed fire track
with led to it in a direct line from Angies window)
can you see???" Blake asked nervously checking that Pauly was still asleep
on the bed.
Angie related to Blake over the chat program, shuddering with horror (as
she shifted the video camera onto the window ledge to give her arms a rest,
"Its indescribably horrific- ... the Lioness and Max and locked in a passionate
embrace..... the window is shaking from the violent sound waves produced
by their roaring!"
no!" Blake said, "How can we possibly stop this mess? Pauly will be awake
soon and he'll be out to get Max... no matter what it takes!"
Angie replied in horrified tones (or they would have been had she been
speaking)..... " Max is melting! He is dripping with sweat - and it must
be washing off the aliens formula... He is shrinking!"
dear!" said Blake, "That REALLY can't be a good thing!!!!!"
if the lioness notices I should imagine! OMG - he is a cute little kitty
cat again - he is sort of perched/draped over the huge and savage lionesses
can we do?"
MUST GO OUT THERE ANGIE!!!!! GO OUT AND GET HIM UNTIL I CAN ORGANISE SOMETHING
ON THIS END!!!!" Blake yelled, his yelling rousing the sleeping Pauly.
reminded him not to yell cos she couldnt hear him anyway and bravely set
off into the woods
is going on??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" yelled the mannacled Pauly
to the point!" said Blake, "WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ANGIE AND MAX NOW! AND
WHAT GREAT PLAN CAN WE INVENT TO AVOID DISASTER!"
and walked because it was further than it looked and the ground was muddy
and her legs weren't particularly long. It became apparent that there
was no noise coming from the clearing at all. Worried about Max's safety,
Angie snuck up behind a tree and peeped out.
lioness, sated after uncountable hours of love had burrowed her face in
the muddy ground and had lapsed into unconciousness due to lack of oxygen.
Max was meanwhile frozen with terror right where Angie had last seen him
- when she observed him minimorph back to a cute pussycat. With unbelievable
bravery Angie sneaked up to the lioness's tail end and plucked the hapless
Max from his perch
are you" enquired Max (trying to smooth his fur)
MamaBraveheart" announced Angie grandly.
Mama, I'm afraid you can't be a brave rescuer right now. You see our moment
of passion has resulted in........ in........... in.............." Suddenly
the lioness woke up and howled as her stomache began to pulsate, "In a
litter!" Max finished.
aka MamaBraveheart, didnt wait to see more ; tucking Max under one arm
she ran home as fast as her little legs would carry her
HAVING PATERNAL INSTINCT!" Max yelled, "Why take me from my babies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
at the computer she reported frantically to Blake while holding the struggling
Max who was watching the births through the window
have another problem now," Blake typed, "Paul has got loose and beamed
into the woods to find Max for himself!!!!!!"
DO SOMETHING !!!!" Angie shrieked , then realised that was useless and
typed a load of nonsense in her excitment "aewewkjkkjk;lllll dosiio somerhtbinggggg!!!!"
Max's mouth shut with a sheet, Angie run back to the woods with him under
she whispered "Where are you you bloody idiot?"
was cringing in fear as a litter of 7 ravaging beasts and the angry lioness
roared and roared and ROARED.............
someone hears that and comes to my rescue!" Paul cried.
hear the racket and figured the clearing was a good place to keep away
from. However being the ridiculously insanely curious type she couldnt
resist sneaking up for a little peep..........A horrifying sight met her
ON THE FLIGHT DECK...... Blake, Ethan, Carla and Gem were frantic!
WE IN POSITION FOR A BEAMOUT YET?" Blake yelled.
more minutes!" said Carla.
hope they can last that long!" Ethan cried.
lying in the middle of the clearing while the lioness and her snarling
litter of alien creatures circled around him snarling and slobbering
Max squealed, squirming out of Angie's grasp and running into the clearing,
"BAD CHILDREN!!!! YOU ARE ALL GROUNDEDDD!! MEOW!!" he tried to roar discipline
at the alien cubs.
got ready to throw Max to them (lol) then spotted a half eaten carcase
left over from the love fest earlier. She didnt have to throw Max cos he
had run away. Angie was glad not to have to hold a struggling cat anymore
and laughed into the sheet he had left behind , as he stood bravely (stupidly)
beside the lionesses little toe and squealed at the 'children'
Paul cried, "Angie was right.... my destiny in these woods is clear! Unless
their is a miraculous escape, this can only end two ways. I throw myself
to the ravaging beasts to save Max, the saviour to the cat race; or I let
them eat him and run away into the woods until I am rescued..........."
lassooed Pauls foot and tugged on it (then tied it to a tree so he couldnt
throw himself to the beasts) she wasnt strong enough to pull him over.
He crawled over . " Let me go! " he snapped petulantly " let me save my
be such a fool" Angie hissed back " look I spotted a revolting half eaten
carcass with all the blood and guts spilling out - why dont you throw that
to the far side of the clearing to distract the monsters and then
ESCAPE!!!!!" Paul smiled, grabbing the rotting carcass and throwing it
to the hoarding beasts who sniffed it and were distracted long enough for
Paul to grab Max, as the three went running through the woods to the house.
THE HOUSE!" screamed the lioness, "THEY ARE GETTING AWAY. And we must spill
In the house,
Paul ran straight to the computer.
certainly are addicted!" Angie laughed, boarding all the doors and windows,
are you calling for help?
i'm checking my email!" he said, loading hotmail.
and screaming was heard at the doors and windows.
Angie, I'm sorry about this!" Max said, "I think it's my fault your house
and all our lives may be lost!"
Max" Angie replied kindly - "it is the fault of the alien abductors and
if we get out of this - they shall pay!"
doors and windows burst open, and the hideous roaring beasts burst into
"GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!!!!!" Paul yelled.
the carpet " snapped Angie " I just had that steam cleaned! Lucky the rest
of my family has gone out for the night!"
creatures looked at Angie and tore the carpet to bits and laughed, then
they ran around trashing the house just to rub salt in the wounds.
shrugged; "Oh well - we're only renting and our stuff is insured for 10
times its value!"
they grabbed Max, Paul and Angie threw them on a bed, tied them up and
set fire to it and began chanting to their alien gods, while the lioness
looked on unimpressed.
turned to Paul, "I am not very pleased. This is pissing me off a bit"
sorry!" Paul said, "But you know.............. well... yeah.. sorry!"
WE JUST TEAR THEM APART" screamed the lioness as the cubs chanted away
and the fire got closer and closer to our trio! The lioness grew mad and
put out the fire, "NAUGHTY CHILDREN!!! WE EAT THEM NOTHING MORE!"
kids looked very cross and growled at her.
well, it was nice meeting you I guess " Angie offered
are meant to say - nice meeting you too!" pointed out Angie slightly huffed.
umm nice meeting you!" Paul smiled, "Very nice!!!! Although I wish i never
did.... in person I mean, under the circumstances of our impending death
and everything!" he smiled.
agreed that this was so - and they reminiced about comfortable cyber chats
without the savage monsters hot breath to interrupt.
did you notice the savage cubs tore the lioness apart and now are looking
at us with bloodthirsty eyes?" Max asked.
glared at Max and considered telling him to shut up , its always nice to
take the tension of the situation out on a nearby innocent bystander type.
She restrained herself and asked in a testily strained voice "Isnt it about
time that Blake did something to SAVE us?"
THE THREE WERE BEAMED AWAY FROM THE BURNT OUT BED JUST AS THE SAVAGES JUMPED
ONTO IT TEARING IT TO PIECES
and Max appeared on the flight-deck with Blake smiling triumphantly.
sniffed and straightened her clothes "Thank you Blake" she smiled calmly
" I never doubted you for a moment"
smiled, "Not a problem. But for now.... what to do with those cubs?"
babies..." sobbed Max
they tied you up and tried to kill you!" Paul said, "Don't feel upset!"
ALIEN SHIP FROM EARLIER RETURNED ON THE VIEWSCREEN TO ABDUCT SOMEONE ELSE
AND PERFORM HORRIBLE TESTS ON THEM.
need some quick thinking!" Blake cried.
them there !" shrieked Angie - "they must PAY - my carpet is ruined!"
smiled as he set the transporters to beam the vicious panther/lion cubs
into the alien ship, where they tore the alien teenager joyriders apart
and then curled up and went to sleep.
murmered Angie "That was rather brutal"
Max said, "Not quite brutal enough. I've had a change of heart.... NOW
KIDDIES, NOW YOU ARE THE WEAK AND PATHETIC ONES, AND *I*! *I* AM YOUR EXCECUTIONER!!!!!!!"
and he fired about 300 of Explorer's finest torpedos at the alien
ship and blew it into 9 Zillion pieces, all of which landed on Angie's
house and it crumbled to dust.
smacked Max for destroying what was left of her house cos she was upset
about her pet fish which had been trapped inside
mind Angie," Blake said, "With our crew's construction abilities and Virtual
Reality technology, we can have your whole house rebuilt in no time!"
dont do that!" replied Angie quickly.
you build me a mansion in Toorak instead? Here I happen to have some plans
in my coat pocket!"
they can!" smiled Max, "And don't worry about the pet fish either!" he
coughed it into a bowl where it swam around unharmed, "I took the liberty
of..... protecting it, back in the house!" he grinned.
forgave Max instanstly and hugged him gently ( then carefully smoothed
his fur) . "You are all invited to my mansion for a huge house warming
party! " Angie shouted enthusiastically
SO, within a few hours a mansion was built
for Angie in Toorak to replace her farm house, and after a wild party she
and her family lived there happily ever after; while the Explorer
flew on it's merry way exploring everywhere, Other Than Earth........................................................................
Go To PAuly and Angies next story!