Paul was on the internet talking to a friend he had met called Angie. They were talking about a Psychology degree they were both doing by correspondence (in Paul's case, by galactic correspondence)
"SO How is life Angie?"
"Well Pauly - I have 10 days left to learn 1/2 a years worth of work . I thought I  might post on Topclass asking ArmAtAss what the exam questions will be - what'd you think?"
"No that reminds me of Retina... that really dumb student we both hate!" Paul laughed, "But how is life like on the farm?"
Angie secretly filled in another page of her dossier on Pauls interesting mental condition - which she was planning to use as the basis for her thesis, and sent Pauly lots of smily faces and things so he wouldnt know :) :) :)
"Well Paul , its like this..... things are crook in Toolarook, and here too...... the other night - when it was a full moon.. I went into the woods , stripped off all my clothes and began a long and complicated magic spell! However I soon changed my mind cos it was blloooody cold - so i put them all back on again and began hunting for sticks for my fire. I didnt have to hunt long cos i was in the woods. so i made a HUGE pile. SUDDENLY.... I heard a twig snap behind me and a sound of roaring. It was so loud and close.. my hair blew forward over my face so i couldnt see anything. I felt hot breath on my neck...... fortunately I happened to have a can of petrol and matches under my coat , in case of emergencies - so i threw the petrol on the fire and chucked on a lighted match. In the resulting shooting tower of flame I turned to see, by the light of my burning eyebrows, a huge ferocious lioness disappearing into the undergrowth!"
Paul looked thoughtful, "A HUGE FEROCIOUS LIONESS STALKING THE INNOCENT PEOPLE IN YOUR WOODS? Why do I figure that soon my ship and crew will be dragged into the potential dangers this wild beast poses?"
"Well I should warn you that there aint no innocent people in these here woods - however  to be drawn into the seething cesspits of the universe...that is your destiny dear Paul!"
Paul got a look of horror in his place, "I have never heard anything so SCARY IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Paul, I think I may have breast reduction surgery!" Pat his mother  said walking into the room.
"OK..... I take that back!" Paul said.
Ethan was sitting in the Voodoo Cafe, Malia the Voodoo queen was serving them some lasagne.
"Is that all you cook?" smiled Ethan.
"No!" said Malia.
Max the cat  walked in looking bored "I would like to do something! I am bored today. It's been an uneventful day!" Max said.
Suddenly from now where a fluorescent pink beam of light shot down apon Max and he was sucked violently up into the air and VANISHED!
"Now THAT!" said Ethan, "Was eventful!"
Meanwhile in the dingy bowels of the alien spacecraft which had mysteriously abducted Max  a group of alien beings clustered around his indignant form. They chattered excitedly and poked him with jelly tipped fingers. " What a weird earthling" one giggled . "Lets experiment on him" another sniggered. (The space craft was actually full of a bunch of teenage aliens who had stolen a craft and were joyriding.
"Excuse me!" said Max, "I am not just any Earthling, I am in fact, a feline! A wonderous creation, far superior to any Earthling, and may I tell you, you are messing with the wrong kitty!"
"WHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" intoned one of the aliens making mock fearful motions. "Scary kitttyyyyyyy" .The aliens all fell about grabbing each other in helpless laughter. When they got control of themselves they all fixed their eyes on Max and smiled in a not-very-nice way.... "GET HIM!!!!!!!"
"Oh please!" Max moaned in his posh voice, "You do not need to grab at me. I am such an egotistical creature I would rather be taken willingly than having my fur messed up. And if you are going to do any fur messing.... I prefer Super Gel in order to sustain my beauty!"
The aliens fell about laughing again, and spent the next 20 minutes imitating him. " OOOH I say" warbled one turning to his sniggering buddy, " I say would you mind combing my hair before you disembowel my perfectness?"
The others laughed before a somewhat serious looking one walked in with a bunch of test-tubes, "We won't kill anyone today.... we shall test EJsu's fathers laboratory experiments on bringing on volotile behaviour!!!!!!!!"
"Hey Yeah!" The teenage aliens reacted enthusiastically and before he could say "Pass me the mirror" Max was suddenly flipped up in the air and landed inside a glass tank - not unlike a fishbowl. Desperately he started smoothing his fur.......but an odd odour started to fill the tank and he wasnt even aware of losing conciousness as he sank silently down.
Meanwhile on Explorer's flight-deck, Gemini and Carla looked angry as Ethan told the story of Max's sudden vanishing from the Voodoo Cafe.
"We must find Max before Paul knows he is missing!" said Gemini, "Otherwise he will be very upset!"
"Perhaps we could just get another kitten and stick a photo of Max on it - Paul might not notice?" Carla suggested.
"Somehow I don't think he is that stupid!" Ethan said, "Maybe Max is onboard that evil alien looking ship on the viewscreen with the words WE ABDUCT written on the side?"
Paul meanwhile remained oblivious to all that was happening as he chattered aimlessly on the computer. After a few hours he decided he felt a bit hungry and went to look for the others to see if anyone happened to have some yummy food
He found Ghost in the Cafe trying to eat, but the food kept falling out her non-corporeal body and she looked to be getting more and more pissed off with each second, "It's not easy being a ghost Paul!! I saw Blake before, he said you are spending all your time studying for exams lately and havn't even noticed that your cat has been missing for several hours!" she smiled sweetly.
"Listen!' snapped paul crossly ( weak from lack of food and sleep) These exams are very important to me and there are only a few days study time left - I'll have you know that I........hang on a minute..... my cat...... MAAAAAAAAAAAXXXX!!!!! what do you mean! ? How can he be missing? Why didnt somebody TELLLLLLLL ME!""
Paul raced up to the flight deck and yelled at Gem, Ethan and Carla who were struggling to beam Max back somehow. He noticed the evil alien ship on the viewscreen.
"MY CAT, MY CAT MUST BE ONBOARD THAT EVIL ALIEN VESSEL!!!!!! COULD THE ABDUCTION OF MY LITTLE CAT SOMEHOW RESULT IN MY DESTINY ANGIE SPOKE OF EARLIER?!?!?!?!?" Suddenly Max was beamed into the middle of the flight-deck looking soaking wet and shaking around a bit.
"MAX MAXXXXXX MAXXXXXXXXXMAAAAAAAAAAAAXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX" Paul shrieked with joy rushing to the bedraggled creature and sweeping him up to cover him in kisses. Max leapt back in horror. "Dont TOUCH me!" he spat, " I..I'm not myself.... " I need attending to - must restore my impeccable condition..." he gasped and spluttered a little , which may have been a sob but he hid it well.
"Max *REALLY* doesn't look too good does he?" asked Carla, noticing that Max was kinda growing.
"Yeah dont touch him - you dont know WHERE he's been" advised Gemini, trying really hard not to laugh at Max's ridiculous appearance (of course everyone was really relieved he was back)
"I know where he's been!" said Paul, "On board that EVIL ALIEN SHIP!!!!! I SHALL DESTROY THEM FOR DOING THIS TO HIM" but they had (as good alien abducters do) vanished!
Pauly vented his frustration on a little voodoo alien spaceship dolly which he quickly whipped up using things lying around the flight-deck (like cloth from the seat covers and wires from the electrical equipment) He was so busy and preoccupied he didnt notice that a shocked silence had fallen . Just as he was about to stick the first pin into the dolly (or would have if he had had a pin) he heard roaring and felt hot breath on the back of his neck.....
"OH MY GOD..... THE LIONESS FROM ANGIE'S WOODS MUST BE HERE!" Paul screamed, but he turned to see Max had grown MUCH BIGGER, and was a big black cat with sabred teeth, dripping saliva and claws the size of his ego!!!!!
"ARGHHHHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGGH!" shrieked Paul in extreme distress, throwing the little voodoo dolly at the monster Max.
"THAT LIONESS SOUNDS TASTY!!!!! I MUST TAKE A MATE AND PRODUCE OFFSPRING AS ANIMAL INSTINCT IS DRIVING ME NOW, NOTHING MORE!!!!!!!!!" and he ran to the ship's transporter, pressed a few buttons and vanished from the good ship Explorer.
Max landed with an undignified crash on the edge of the woods which were being stalked by the huge and ferocious Lioness. It was more of a splash actually as there had been a ridiculous amount of rain in the last week - that being nothing unusual for this area- and the earth had turned to soggy quagmire. Max for once gave not a damn. He leapt up and roared ferociously  - bristling with wild savagery.
"COME TO ME FELLOW SAVAGE CREATURE " he shouted enthusiastically, "I am mighty , powerful , virile and I have a REALLY BIG...." He was cut short as out of the wooods leapt an enormous blood stained lioness
"Hello virile man!" the beautiful lioness spoke, "I am required to take a mate who has an equal amount of good assests as I do. That is too say, as a powerful, mighty virile man, you would fit the bill quite nicely!"
Max roared again ( just cos it sounded good) and bounded over to the lioness , swatting her brutally to her knees (or the lioness equivalent)
"Oh great Maximus... I sense that we will have a beautiful relationship!" she clapped her hands and a bunch of animals lower on the food chain ran over and formed a wedding procession.
Max and the lioness who name was Gratifa ate all the other animals
"WE ARE NOW MARRIED!" Gratifa laughed, "You will be a much better mate than my old husband, Wallnau! Why don't we test that theory?"
Max didnt stop to ask what happened to Wallnau - he assumed that he had probably died on the job and roaring with passion he proceded to have his wicked way without a thought ,or a care, for Gratifa's pleasure (TYPICAL MALE) The two savage lovers roared and carried on in quite a ridiculous manner in the middle of a moonlit clearing. Every so often tiny animals which dared to peek out to see what was going on- were savagly devoured. The noisy and violent pairing continued on into the night until Max's enormous body began to drip with sweat.
Meanwhile back on Explorer, a frantic Pauly had to be chained to his bed as Blake conversed with Angie over the internet about the latest events. Angie was able to give an updated account as it just so happened that her computer was right beside a window which looked out on the woods and max and Gratifa were clearly visible in the moonlit clearing (due to a bulldozed fire track with led to it in a direct line from Angies window)
"What can you see???" Blake asked nervously checking that Pauly was still asleep on the bed.
"Ugh" Angie related to Blake over the chat program, shuddering with horror (as she shifted the video camera onto the window ledge to give her arms a rest, "Its indescribably horrific- ... the Lioness and Max and locked in a passionate embrace..... the window is shaking from the violent sound waves produced by their roaring!"
"Oh no!" Blake said, "How can we possibly stop this mess? Pauly will be awake soon and he'll be out to get Max... no matter what it takes!"
" Wait..." Angie replied in horrified tones (or they would have been had she been speaking)..... " Max is melting! He is dripping with sweat - and it must be washing off the aliens formula... He is shrinking!"
"Oh dear!" said Blake, "That REALLY can't be a good thing!!!!!"
" Not if the lioness notices I should imagine! OMG - he is a cute little kitty cat again - he is sort of perched/draped over the huge and savage lionesses enormous haunches!"
"What can we do?"
"YOU MUST GO OUT THERE ANGIE!!!!! GO OUT AND GET HIM UNTIL I CAN ORGANISE SOMETHING ON THIS END!!!!" Blake yelled, his yelling rousing the sleeping Pauly.
Angie reminded him not to yell cos she couldnt hear him anyway and bravely set off into the woods
"What is going on??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" yelled the mannacled Pauly now awake.
Angie walked and walked because it was further than it looked and the ground was muddy and her legs weren't particularly long.  It became apparent that there was no noise coming from the clearing at all. Worried about Max's safety, Angie snuck up behind a tree and peeped out.
The lioness, sated after uncountable hours of love had burrowed her face in the muddy ground and had lapsed into unconciousness due to lack of oxygen. Max was meanwhile frozen with terror right where Angie had last seen him - when she observed him minimorph back to a cute pussycat. With unbelievable bravery Angie sneaked up to the lioness's tail end and plucked the hapless Max from his perch
"Who are you" enquired Max (trying to smooth his fur)
"I am MamaBraveheart" announced Angie grandly.
"Well Mama, I'm afraid you can't be a brave rescuer right now. You see our moment of passion has resulted in........ in........... in.............." Suddenly the lioness woke up and howled as her stomache began to pulsate, "In a litter!" Max finished.
Angie, aka MamaBraveheart, didnt wait to see more ; tucking Max under one arm she ran home as fast as her little legs would carry her
"I AM HAVING PATERNAL INSTINCT!" Max yelled, "Why take me from my babies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Back at the computer she reported frantically to Blake while holding the struggling Max who was watching the births through the window
"We have another problem now," Blake typed, "Paul has got loose and beamed into the woods to find Max for himself!!!!!!"
Wellllll DO SOMETHING !!!!" Angie shrieked , then realised that was useless and typed a load of nonsense in her excitment "aewewkjkkjk;lllll dosiio somerhtbinggggg!!!!"
Tying Max's mouth shut with a sheet, Angie run back to the woods with him under her arm
"Paul" she whispered "Where are you you bloody idiot?"
Paul meanwhile was cringing in fear as a litter of 7 ravaging beasts and the angry lioness roared and roared and ROARED.............
"I hope someone hears that and comes to my rescue!" Paul cried.
Angie could hear the racket and figured the clearing was a good place to keep away from. However being the ridiculously insanely curious type she couldnt resist sneaking up for a little peep..........A horrifying sight met her eyes
MEANWHILE ON THE FLIGHT DECK...... Blake, Ethan, Carla and Gem were frantic!
"No..." said Gemini
"Five more minutes!" said Carla.
"Let's hope they can last that long!" Ethan cried.
Paul was lying in the middle of the clearing while the lioness and her snarling litter of alien creatures circled around him snarling and slobbering
"NO!!!" Max squealed, squirming out of Angie's grasp and running into the clearing, "BAD CHILDREN!!!! YOU ARE ALL GROUNDEDDD!! MEOW!!" he tried to roar discipline at the alien cubs.
Angie got ready to throw Max to them (lol) then spotted a half eaten carcase left over from the love fest earlier. She didnt have to throw Max cos he had run away. Angie was glad not to have to hold a struggling cat anymore and laughed into the sheet he had left behind , as he stood bravely (stupidly) beside the lionesses little toe and squealed at the 'children'
"Ohmygod!" Paul cried, "Angie was right.... my destiny in these woods is clear! Unless their is a miraculous escape, this can only end two ways. I throw myself to the ravaging beasts to save Max, the saviour to the cat race; or I let them eat him and run away into the woods until I am rescued..........."
Angie lassooed Pauls foot and tugged on it (then tied it to a tree so he couldnt throw himself to the beasts) she wasnt strong enough to pull him over. He crawled over . " Let me go! " he snapped petulantly " let me save my beloved Max!"
"Dont be such a fool" Angie hissed back " look I spotted a revolting half eaten carcass with all the blood and guts spilling out - why dont you throw that to the  far side of the clearing to distract the monsters and then save Max!!"
"A MIRACULOUS ESCAPE!!!!!" Paul smiled, grabbing the rotting carcass and throwing it to the hoarding beasts who sniffed it and were distracted long enough for Paul to grab Max, as the three went running through the woods to the house.
"TO THE HOUSE!" screamed the lioness, "THEY ARE GETTING AWAY. And we must spill blood tonight!"
In the house, Paul ran straight to the computer.
"You certainly are addicted!" Angie laughed, boarding all the doors and windows, are you calling for help?
"No i'm checking my email!" he said, loading hotmail.
Roaring and screaming was heard at the doors and windows.
"Oh Angie, I'm sorry about this!" Max said, "I think it's my fault your house and all our lives may be lost!"
"No Max" Angie replied kindly - "it is the fault of the alien abductors and if we get out of this - they shall pay!"
The doors and windows burst open, and the hideous roaring beasts burst into the room.........................
...... "GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!!!!!" Paul yelled.
"Mind the carpet " snapped Angie " I just had that steam cleaned! Lucky the rest of my family has gone out for the night!"
The creatures looked at Angie and tore the carpet to bits and laughed, then they ran around trashing the house just to rub salt in the wounds.
Angie shrugged; "Oh well - we're only renting and our stuff is insured for 10 times its value!"
Then they grabbed Max, Paul and Angie threw them on a bed, tied them up and set fire to it and began chanting to their alien gods, while the lioness looked on unimpressed.
Angie turned to Paul, "I am not very pleased. This is pissing me off a bit"
"I'm sorry!" Paul said, "But you know.............. well... yeah.. sorry!"
"CAN'T WE JUST TEAR THEM APART" screamed the lioness as the cubs chanted away and the fire got closer and closer to our trio! The lioness grew mad and put out the fire, "NAUGHTY CHILDREN!!! WE EAT THEM NOTHING MORE!"
The kids looked very cross and growled at her.
"Oh well, it was nice meeting you I guess " Angie offered
"Thanks!" Paul said.
"You are meant to say - nice meeting you too!" pointed out Angie slightly huffed.
"Sorry...... umm nice meeting you!" Paul smiled, "Very nice!!!! Although I wish i never did.... in person I mean, under the circumstances of our impending death and everything!" he smiled.
Angie agreed that this was so - and they reminiced about comfortable cyber chats without the savage monsters hot breath to interrupt.
"Guys, did you notice the savage cubs tore the lioness apart and now are looking at us with bloodthirsty eyes?" Max asked.
Angie glared at Max and considered telling him to shut up , its always nice to take the tension of the situation out on a nearby innocent bystander type.  She restrained herself and asked in a testily strained voice "Isnt it about time that Blake did something to SAVE us?"
Paul, Angie and Max appeared on the flight-deck with Blake smiling triumphantly.
Angie sniffed and straightened her clothes "Thank you Blake" she smiled calmly " I never doubted you for a moment"
Blake smiled, "Not a problem. But for now.... what to do with those cubs?"
"my babies..." sobbed Max
"Max they tied you up and tried to kill you!" Paul said, "Don't feel upset!"
"We need some quick thinking!" Blake cried.
"Send them there !" shrieked Angie - "they must PAY - my carpet is ruined!"
Paul smiled as he set the transporters to beam the vicious panther/lion cubs into the alien ship, where they tore the alien teenager joyriders apart and then curled up and went to sleep.
"Goodness" murmered Angie "That was rather brutal"
"Hmm!" Max said, "Not quite brutal enough. I've had a change of heart.... NOW KIDDIES, NOW YOU ARE THE WEAK AND PATHETIC ONES, AND *I*! *I* AM YOUR EXCECUTIONER!!!!!!!" and he fired about 300 of Explorer's finest torpedos at the alien ship and blew it into 9 Zillion pieces, all of which landed on Angie's house and it crumbled to dust.
Angie smacked Max for destroying what was left of her house cos she was upset about her pet fish which had been trapped inside
"Never mind Angie," Blake said, "With our crew's construction abilities and Virtual Reality technology, we can have your whole house rebuilt in no time!"
"Oh dont do that!" replied Angie quickly.
"No?" Paul asked.
"Could you build me a mansion in Toorak instead? Here I happen to have some plans in my coat pocket!"
"Sure they can!" smiled Max, "And don't worry about the pet fish either!" he coughed it into a bowl where it swam around unharmed, "I took the liberty of..... protecting it, back in the house!" he grinned.
Angie forgave Max instanstly and hugged him gently ( then carefully smoothed his fur) . "You are all invited to my mansion for a huge house warming party! " Angie shouted enthusiastically
AND SO, within a few hours a mansion was built for Angie in Toorak to replace her farm house, and after a wild party she and her family lived there happily ever after; while the Explorer flew on it's merry way exploring everywhere, Other Than Earth........................................................................
  Go To PAuly and Angies next story!